October 2018 is officially the first month I haven’t posted a blog since starting LML over a year ago, and that missing link in the archives on the sidebar will probably bother me forever now, haha. I’ve had several posts started in my drafts for months, and I’ve wanted to write here more often than I do, but lately I’ve been a bit tired of our sharing culture.
I love being able to type out my thoughts and read insights into other people’s lives, and I think vulnerability is such an important virtue in the world, but I also find myself occasionally in seasons of wanting to be a hermit and not share anything of any depth and value with anybody. The thing about social media is that it’s prime territory for introverts. Extroverted people are good at sharing their thoughts and feelings in reality, but I feel like introverts tend to hold back and not say what we want to in conversation, so then we can find our outlet on the internet, whether writing blogs, tweets, instagram captions…because there’s finally a captive audience, time to think through what you want to say and word it thoughtfully before putting it out there, and the ability to go deep without worrying about being interrupted or sounding stupid. But it’s easy (for me, at least) to go from excited that there are now these virtual platforms to communicate more comfortably, to overwhelmed by all the people sharing their deep thoughts on the internet. Maybe I just happen to follow a lot of like-minded introverts, but I end up wanting to be like, “forget all you oversharers, I’m gonna be all cool and unaffected and post like two things with superficial captions over the next month” …and then I’m back to writing long posts on the internet again in a couple weeks. haha.
But really, I do love communicating, I love sharing my life and thoughts, and I love connecting with other people’s shared thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could be more open, and sometimes I wish I could be more chill and less bursting with things I want to get off my chest. It’s all a balance, I suppose. I think people tend to get more sentimental this time of year because fall is such a season of nostalgia. I’ve probably written a thought to that effect here last year, but then again I tend to bring up similar themes and thoughts often. Everybody goes mushy over pumpkins and apple picking and leaves changing, and I’m definitely not excluded, but I am having a pretty happy autumn this year and I think I’ve just been less inclined to be glued to instagram and whatnot because I’m not feeling that “fear of missing out.” I’m truly enjoying my own life at the moment even though I don’t have anything exciting going on. It just feels wonderfully normal, and pretty balanced for once.
Ultimately, I’m working to get better at balancing my emotional response to life. Obviously that’s a huge thing that most people have to always work on, but hey, there’s a reason dispassion is one of the highest goals in my Orthodox Christian faith and in the Yoga Sutras (and probably other belief systems but those are two I’m familiar with). I make light of things a lot and also add too much weight and melancholy to other things, so I need to strive towards that middle ground. I think I’ve been pretty happy lately because I haven’t been allowing myself to sink into anything. Feeling an unpleasant emotion and then just letting it pass without wallowing, being excited about something, but then stepping back and trying to be more enthusiastic about little non-exciting things like doing homework. Dispassion doesn’t mean feeling nothing, it means being human and experiencing emotions, but transcending their hold on you and gaining control over how you respond to those feelings, or at least that’s my interpretation.
I’ll always be prone to giving in to nostalgia and feeling melancholy sometimes, but I like to think I can’t appreciate the joie de vivre if I can’t grieve what’s been. Note that little french/english rhyming quip there. 🙂 I’m taking Intermediate French this semester and I am still just in awe of the difficulty yet beauty of language learning and feel really satisfied whenever I make connections between the two languages or find an interesting way to mesh them together. J’aime me some franglais. Oh, and I also have a blog on the topic of intercultural communication for one of my other classes, you can check it out here if you want, I’ve been enjoying the structure of curating educational content on a specific topic. I even interviewed my French professor for it, and he had some interesting and profound insights.
So, technically I did blog in October, just not here. 😉